THE MOST EPIC MUSTACHES IN HISTORY
The ELEVEN most dastardly, deviant and inspirational mustachioed men – past and present; fact or fiction. It isn’t Movember, but we just needed a midway-point-tribute-moustache article.
The Low Down: In many ways at the epicenter of the Generic Universe. The King, The Main Man, The Legend….. If we are honest he is a muse among a plethora of superlatives. He loves his scotch, his leather bound books and the smell of rich mahogany. But then again, who doesn’t?
It’s no secret that we love “The Ronald”. His mustache is close to The Selleck, but we couldn’t leave either out of the list. They are both such sturdy gents.
Acquisition Lead Time: 4 Months.
Style Requirements: Be Ron.
2. FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
The Low Down: To Nietzsche god may well be dead but the but his mustache is alive and kicking – we actually think it may be some sort of rodent. Freddy genuinely felt that this prize mustache gave him supernatural powers – finding the Ubermensch indeed.
Acquisition Lead Time: 6 Months
Style Requirements: A nihilistic, depressive out-look and receding hairline.
3. GENGHIS KAHN
The Low Down: Although one the premier and influential figures in history – very little is known about Genghis Kahn. Though paintings have given Genghis Khan’s facial hair different looks, one thing that’s certain is that he always looked stylish, no matter which version was true.
Do you really think opposing armies would have feared a clean-shaven military man facing off at them across a battlefield?
Acquisition Lead Time: Unknown – Genghis grew a new beard daily. Only mortals abide by time.
Style Requirements: Mongolian Deels.
4. ALBERT EINSTEIN
The Low Down: Rumor has it the “M” in E=MC ² stands for mustache. Einstein’s mustache was as formidable as his mind.
Acquisition Lead Time: 6 Months.
Style Requirements: One of the greatest minds of all time and a Nobel prize.
The Low Down: Where would we be without Teddy? He is a mascot for us at GenericPuzzles, in fact we’re convinced his mustache alone is so manly it could out judo chop Bruce Lee.
Acquisition Lead Time: 4 Months
Style Requirements: Fantastic vocab, bullet dodging abilities and great one liners – “It takes more than that to kill a bull moose.”
6. CLARK GABLE
The Low Down: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn – there I said it. I needed to get it out the way. The Gable – is sleek, sophisticated and 100% nonchalant. Although a formidable actor, Gable is arguably best known for the trademark mauser.
Acquisition Lead Time: Under a month
Style requirements: A good call for those without copious amounts of facial hair, like a Hollywood actor the mustache is regarded as high maintenance – requiring a safety razor to cut a ‘stache that floats above the upper lip.
7. DANIEL PLAINVIEW.
The Low Down: The man likes milkshakes, he’s an oilman and straight capitalist. He also haunts dreams. There will be beard! Nothing flashy or manicured about the mustache. It is strong, immoveable, sturdy as steel. It is ruthless, savage, bold and, at times, charismatic enough to seduce you into doing whatever it wants. If it promises to find you, wherever you’re sleeping, and slit your throat, you can count on it.
It will drink your milkshake. It is, in short, the greatest cinematic mustache of all time.
Acquisition Lead Time: 5 months.
Style requirements: Wool suit, white shirt – monocle or pocket-watch optional.
8. SALVADOR DALI.
The Lowdown: The epitome of surrealism coupled with ridiculousness – you need to be mad as a hatter for this one, simply be Dali. This moustache is legendary; and not for the squeamish or those who lack gumption and dedication. This mustache stands tall among due to sheers panache and gravity-defying creativity.
Acquisition Lead Time: 7 Months.
Style Requirements: Shave it below your nostrils, like Clark Gable’s Pencil – this is like similar to monopoly mustache, except the hair is twisted and lifted, not combed out.
9. THE MONOPOLY MAN, THE PRINGLE’S MAN, THE CAPTAIN CRUNCH OR THE LORAX.
The Low Down: Okay, okay, they are cartoon characters but Super Mario is from a computer game and his moustache is rocking. This is a sweet as brushed out, ‘petite handlebar’. In order to do this right you need to start off with a super awkward tooth brush – think Chaplin – that way you may persevere.
Using the length of hair from center brush it out from the center. Sadly, between beginning and godliness – you’ll look so ridiculous you’re going to need the monopoly man’s bank balance to put it off.
Acquisition Lead Time: Five to six months.
Style Requirements: Top Hat, Cane, Coat Tails and Money Clip. During the 17th century male footwear was dominated by boots – often going up to knee length – which seems outrageous today, I know. They were also super-tight fitting with buttons instead of laces (what a drag). More often than not these boots featured rather high heels, a style that was popularized by King Louis XIV due to his small statue. At that time France was defined as the epicenter of the fashion world and as such most European gentleman aligned themselves with the choices of the French establishment.
10. TOM SELLICK
The Low Down: Mmmm, very few can hit the iconic heights of mustacheary quiet like Tom. From Magnum Pi to Friends (do you remember his stint here)– The Sellick has been the ultimate for decades. Always the avid gardener Tom, has not been without controversy, especially the alleged stealing of public water for his California – as he wanted to keep his lawn green. The Man is either Dorian Gray or a fine wine – reports indicate that he’s 70 – he hasn’t aged a day since the in 1957.
Acquisition Lead Time: Five months.
Style Requirements: You need thick, moppy hair to pull of this bad boy. We’re talking ‘windswept and interesting’.
11. CHE GUEVARA (JUST FOR KICKS)
The Low Down: Not technically a mustache, but the man here needs an honorable mention, if not a senior honoree role in this establishment we’re trying to organize here.
Acquisition Lead Time: One month.
Style Requirements: Dubbed “The Revolutionary” or the “Inverted Chaplin” this is here for the men without a thick growth – we didn’t want to leave you out. Take Che’s lead – although the moustache doesn’t define him, it certainly characterizes him. This style is a god given honor, it needs to come 100% au natural, if you shave this in – you will look ridiculous in the extreme.