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GENERIC SCIENCE: #BeardMaintenance


There was a time when growing a proper beard required only one thing – the face’s owner to simply cease shaving.

These were simpler times, your choice between a beard or an arsenal of shaving tools: shards of flint, volcanic glass, scallop shells and a host of, what seems like, pocket sized medieval torture devices.

Today you have options.

Nobody wants you wandering round like you have a Weetabix strapped to your face – ambling through life like a time travelling Viking – so we have some beard 101 advice:

  • 1. If you’re just a young pup or abnormally hairless, shave twice-a-day for some time before dedicating yourself to beardom – no beard is better than half-assed one.
  • 2. Accessorize, it’s time for a top hat and cane, possibly pocket watch… at least a new scarf. You haven’t just grown a beard you’ve grown a new man, go get ‘em Heisenberg.
  • 3. If you’re overly hairy and intent on a developing a resplendent manometer, shave above your cheek line – no stragglers. As a rule, neatness is classy – stay classy.
  • 4. Invest in a reputable barber of some esteem, and a trimmer of equal quality – you’re in the major leagues now, son. No cheap fixes.
  • 5.  Invest in fine tooth comb, but no using it in public – you filthy animal.
  • 6. You must never tend to your beard; you must only nurture. He’s part of you now. With nourishment and boundaries in equal measure you two will be partners in crime.
  • 7. Trim to a shape that enhances your features – don’t go for the beard’s version of the comb-over. Follow there simple rules: if you’re brown give it the volume it needs; if you’re light cut it shorter.
  • 8. Treat your beard as if it were your scalp – that means soap and conditioner. Only these two in careful quantities can itch free relief be attained.
  • 9. If itchiness is proving to be a complication in your relationship, follow the Rugged Fellow’s Guide and choose a high neckline, close to the jaw and shave beneath it. Science.
Trimming A Beard Neckline

10. A ‘no-no’ roll call: Neck Beards, Goatees, The Horseshoe (sorry Mr. Hogan), the mutton chops OR the Chin Tuft & Mustache combo aka the ‘Colonel Sanders’.